absolute surrender

I'm repenting of having lived far too naturally for far too much of my life. At the end of all my days I will not regret a life fully surrendered or any part of my life that I laid down for Him, I will only regret what was kept for myself. I believe the truest, purest joy comes from full surrender. I enjoy the most freedom when I hold on to believing that at some point I will help set someone else free.

I'm not speaking a neo-gnosticism or projecting the thinking that all things of the world are innately evil and anything material is carnally wrong. But I am saying that I'd rather live fully on the altar of God and know that I've got nothing hidden from Him than to justify a partial life of obedience in the name of good stewardship.

I'm running to the ends of the earth in complete surrender. It's not going to take place exactly as I planned or exactly how I may have wanted it to, but, I am going to run. I have no option but to run. I am finding that if I do not run to Him with a full sprint that I can only go backwards. I am finding that standing still for too long without running is actually retreating. I am learning that backsliding can be just as harmful if I go a centimeter backwards or a mile backwards. There is no room for middle ground.

I'm realizing I cannot sit back a fight a defensive war against darkness. Psalms 18:37 tells us David "pursued his enemies and overtook them." That is not typical warfare. That is not a shield of faith. That is a man after darkness, a man chasing evil, a man bent upon the defeat of all that is wrong and corrupt and so confident in the Lord that there is no possibility of a truce with the devil.

Do we sometimes call a truce with the enemy? Do we sometimes accept all that he has to give us? I know I've spent way too much time listening to him. At this moment in my life, I've wanted to believe that I've got nothing to offer and I might as well quit. I entertained those thoughts for far too long.

I'm deciding to go on the offensive, again. I've learned that I am best defended when being offensive. It is a hard line to walk but it sure does keep me far from the lukewarm. I'm convinced, again, that I have to live for Jesus. I cannot live for movies, eating out, new clothes, collecting new things, or anything else but wholehearted surrender. I can't even tell you if I'm surrendering in the right way but it keeps the possibility of being proud about my surrender far away from me.

Believe me know that bark can be better than bite and that I can write a tough blog here and then question it all here in a few seconds when I get off the computer. Oh well! I might as well fight anyway.

I'm running to worship. I'm running into His throne room. If there is any calling I have on my life, it is to be a worshiper. It is at times the most ridiculous thing I can do...it is sometimes uncanny to think that closing my eyes and whispering when no one is around is of actual effect...oh well! I might as well worship anyway. I might as well take a chance at surrendering my life. I believe I'm still having a better time than if I were to keep my life to myself. It's risky, it's chancy, it's hard to face things. But we're all at risk, all the times. Instead of fighting our risks defensively and always in response to attack, why not go after victory before we are attacked?

Yes, I'm going to get my rear end back on African soil soon. I know the Lord had me to be back for awhile and I enjoyed all the time spent with family and friends. I know that He had a purpose in it all. But somewhere in the middle of it all I began to think that a return to Africa would be postponed. I began to think somewhat naturally. I didn't even necessarily go backwards. I just didn't move forward too much. It wasn't that I didn't do good things or right things. I just didn't live radical or fully emerged in surrender.

I'm learning again that my life will be spent whether I choose to spend it or not. I look behind me and only wish I was more obedient to Him. I do not regret any choice of giving it all to Him, I only regret any second of my life where my thoughts were not on Him, where I did not fully run.

So, I will pursue my enemy, and I will overtake him. Believe me I'd rather not. Believe me I am the first to say this is ridiculous. But I will spend my life anyway. I will waste myself on worship, knowing the expenses of the cost my life are better than the spiritual poverty that always follows keeping life to yourself. I'd rather be a fool for this cause and for this fight than be wise in a world that will not remain. I'd rather take my chances on living in the ways of an invisible Kingdom than play it safe in things I can see because someday it will only be the unseen that remains.

Here I am determined to fight, even though I don't want to. I've lived for Him for too long to hold back now.